I bought a book.

Which is out of character for me because anyone who knows me knows I love to shop but I'm extremely cheap so I usually just read books online for free. But on this particular day it was rainy, and I was alone. So I went to the book store and spent a whole thirty dollars on two books.

The first book was Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. I bought this one for my mother because she has had terrible anxiety lately and I figured it would help her out. That was easy.

Then I started looking at all the book in the Christian Living section. I expected to me annoyed at the cliche "sexual purity" books and to feel my usual distain for the Christian community as a whole. Instead, I ended up with seven or eight different books in my hands about marriage. I wanted to buy all of them.

Anyone who knows me also knows I am verging on being literally OBSESSED with marriage.

I ended up with The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas (could his name get any more boring?) and I may now be the lamest person alive. I am really liking the book though!

The following is an exert from the book:

"The exception clause I'm referring to is found in Matthew 6:33. Here's how it reads in the New King James Version: 'Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.'
The mysterious version I'm looking for, the one I see so many people following and memorizing goes something like this: 'Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness except when you're cheating someone to marry. In that case, you should follow your emotions, insist on a thrilling romantic attraction and overall relational compatibility that makes relationship fun, and then all these things will be added unto you."

Doesn't that make sense? Yes, you can go on dates. Yes, it's alright to think about finding a husband, but that doesn't mean it's the most important thing. Seeking the kingdom of God is the most important thing! I mean, it's like duh, Megan you already knew that! But it still makes so much more sense after reading it.

So, yeah. I'll let you know how the book turns out.

And another thing.

Something has really resonated with me lately about being "a whole person."
As in like, I have things about me that I do, or I enjoy or I am good at that make me who I am, and I don't need any help doing them.

It's slowly becoming more and more important me to find what these personal pieces are and fit them together into a whole Megan.

There this guy in my class who rides a bike instead of driving a car, he wears the same toboggan every day, and he has rolling pins tattooed on his upper arm. I just feel like he is so original, and I want to be THAT original.

But not in comparison to anyone else. Just by my own person standards. I want I be interesting and insightful. I'm starting to think a lot.

Valentine's Day

Full of fornication, capitalism, and candy. So we're all horny, poor, and fat.

It's not even that I'm super sad because I can't get a date. It's the fact that even when I'm married I don't think I'll enjoy this day. And I am a holiday FOOL.

Valentines day is depressing. That's all there is to it. And it makes single people feel bad and people in relationships feel cocky.

I get that your boyfriend gave you flowers. If you didn't post it on Instagram, I would still just assume he did. I don't care about your teddy bears. If the only security you have in your relationship is putting it all over the Internet then your relationship sucks and you suck and your boyfriend probably cheats on you so there.

Life.

Right now, life is full of PROtonix, tramadol, and hemocyte. A 87 year old dad that refused to chew with his mouth closed, and a 79 year old mother who seems to dwindle away every day.

It is so easy for me to doubt God. Why can't I just go to college like all my friends? What's up with a minimum wage job and a community college where 3/10 students have unbearable body odor?

God never gives us more than we can handle. Count it all joy when trials come your way. Joy comes in the morning. If God is for me, who can be against me?

Somewhere along the way I had to stop singing the words and raising my hands and actually start living the words and lay down my pride.

All I know is, God has a plan for all of this. Even when my mother doesn't know who I am, I have to praise god. Even when I spend 15 minutes trying to figure out how to get my dad off the floor, he is making all things work together for his good.

Going from head faith to hand faith is painful. It's sucks. God loves me, my family, and He hasn't turned his head.


...right?

Abundance of flaws.

There are many problems with me.

When I like things, I don't just like things. I love things. If I get into a television show I have to watch every episode of every season and learn facts about each of the cast members. (Ask me David Schwimmers' middle name)

When someone doesn't like me it gets to me. It's upsets me to no end. I try so hard to be likable. I get that you date my ex, but why do you hate me? Obviously we're kinda alike. We have the same taste here.

I love God so much. I have no earthly idea how to show it. I think about him every moment, but how do I talk to my friends about him? He is the greatest father, forgiver, and healer any of us could imagine.

I want to act for the rest of my life. Is is unrealistic? Yes. Will I try? Totally. And the worst part is, I know I'm not the best at it. I know I'm not pretty/thin/wild enough to really thrive but I'm gonna try. I've gotta try.

I cycle my relationships. I have been interested in the same 4 boys since I was in 7th grade with very little variance. I try to reach out. I hang out with new guys, but when I'm in my car singing fall out boy, there's no way I'm thinking about any of those new boys.

I am uninterested in exploring the depths of my mind. I am so happy with my ignorance. I am so content not watching adult movies, not having adult conversations, and listening to the same albums over and over again.

Talking to strangers is so easy. Skin deep friendships are so easy. Love, even in the simplest form, is so hard to come by. The only person I truly love is slowly loosing her mind, and then she won't know who I am. What will I do then?

There are so many things wrong with me. I talk way too loud. I am a terrible driver. I'm way too interested in other people's lives. I'm far too selfish. I will never be able to please The Lord. But I just gotta keep trying. Maybe this will help.