November

As a college student I have very little free time.

Actually, that's a lie. I have tons of free time, I just hate using it productively.

I like to write. I think I might just be a good writer! I'm not convinced yet though. That's why I'm challenging myself to write a blog every day for the month of November.

So, see you on the first, and if no one reads these then I'm totally content on just bettering my writing skills, and using my time more productively.

College

So get ready for a super shallow and much needed check in.

My legs just hurt. I walk so far and I am so slow and it really ruins my whole day. I get these terrible cramps in my calves and it is just terrible.

I am so sad to say my level of cleanliness has diminished, and I swore it wouldn't! It's so hard to be organized when I have so much stuff in such a small space. 

My hair is red. Unmistakably, almost Hayley from Paramore red. I was referred to as a red head twice today. 

I feel like I'm not involved in very much but I'm always busy. I guess cause theatre stuff takes up so much time but I'm good with it. It's fantastic to be acting again, even if its minimal compared to what others are doing. I knew I missed it, but I didn't realize just how much until I started my audition last week. I go through these spells when I'm totally unsure about it all and then someone hands me a script and I feel natural again, so it's getting better.

They did ask me to stage manage something and I said no. Even though its a bad first impression, screwing up a show because I suck at stage managing and making everyone else's lives harder is worse. Universal shout out to all SMs and ASMs because you are better than me times one million. 

I'm so stupid for thinking I would be able to save my money up, cause I totally can't. I suck. 

More than a physician

I went to the doctor with my mother the other day. We have a PA that we always go to, and have for years so we know each other pretty well. We're even on a first name basis, he's Ron. 

After the obligatory small talk, he asked me if I have very many friends. I was super confused as to what he meant, but I reluctantly responded that I did. 

He then asked if I felt like a lot of people understood me, and I was confident that very few do.

The advice he gave me was this: You're not everyone's type Megan. When you go to school, don't expect to fall in easily with everyone. You're different, and it's a good thing. I'm the same way. Just don't let yourself feel let down when you feel like no one understands you. It might just be that no one understands you. That's great, because when you find someone that does you'll know it, and you won't worry about how you're gonna let them in. They'll already be there.

Lately, I feel like no one understands me.

Random thoughts and bad transitions

I long for a life full of comfortable feelings. The kind of nights where it's comfortable with the windows down. You're going five miles under the speed limit. You aren't thinking about things, but about life.

Growing up. Growing into my own skin. It's all so stressful, but it shouldn't be.

Every single day I have to trust in God. Trust that he is making all things work together for my good. That he would never give me more than I can handle. That he hold my future in his hands.

The truth of it all is: I am the hair in your bathroom sink. I am the stubborn stain on your dinner plate. I am the jelly at the bottom edges of the jar (preferably strawberry.)

I will never be impressive. I can't impress you, or even come close to meeting your expectation. No amount of make up, work outs, calories counted, or trendy clothes will make me look the way I want to look.

I can only be Megan. I fully depend on God for everything. He is becoming greater and greater and I am becoming less and less.

Fully transparent: I can only sing like Adele in the car and the shower. I require affection to be happy. I lie. I care what people think of me. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. I worry I will never fall in love. 

It's impossible for me to make it on my own. That's why I've stopped trying, and it's a great decision.

A God Complex

It blows me away how people truly believe the rest of us on earth were put here slowly to do things for them and make their lives easier.

You know what? I don't do that. I don't boss people around and act like I'm too good to do anything for myself and I deserve the recognition that you should wait on me. That's insane. Why would you want to be that person? 

I, obviously, don't let these types of people take advantage of me, because I'm not passive, but I do know people who fall victim to this arrogance DAILY. It makes me sick and there are people who think they deserve everything handed to them with no work at all. 

Call me arrogant I guess, but I wish everyone had my mentality. 

Yes. I will help you with whatever you need, but not because you've commanded me to, or because I owe it to you, but because I want you to prosper and be happy. 

Why in the world does everyone have to put their own selfish agendas above those who are around them. Who cares what you have to do, as long as it works out for me, everything is fine.

Kindness is way too hard to come by these days.

Since I'm a girl,

I feel like I should be better at expressing my feelings than I am. I find myself saying, "You know?" a lot. Which is find when I'm talking to my sister who can basically finish my sentences, but when you're trying to get to know someone you can't really leave off half your thought because you just don't know how to express yourself.

I just have no idea what I am feeling. I can finally sympathize with men who honestly just don't want to talk about their feelings. Like, what are feelings? What am I even looking for in someone? What do I even like and dislike?

I also find myself doing all the things I think are so stupid when other people do them. Like, why does this make me so angry? It doesn't even matter! If some other girl was mad about this I'd call her crazy.

My friend Jordan used to always tell me I was the craziest girl he'd ever met, but I always considered myself very level headed. 

So I'm like contradicting the things I've taken the lost pride in in the past. Part of me knows that it would be much easier to just quit now and not have to worry about this stupid relationship drama crap garbage, but then I might I remember how stupid I've been in past for the same reasons.

So I am, once again, asking myself: "Is this one gonna be different?" And I'm stupid enough to believe it might be.

Here's my problem.

No one is ever good enough.

Christianity.

^{Acts 5: 17-21 reads like this:} 

¹⁷ But the high priest rose up, and all who were with him (that is, the party of the Sadducees), and filled with jealousy ¹⁸ they arrested the apostles and put them in the public prison. ¹⁹ But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the prison doors and brought them out, and said, ²⁰ “Go and stand in the temple and speak to the people all the words of this Life.” ²¹ And when they heard this, they entered the temple at daybreak and began to teach.

So, let me reiterate. The apostles were arrested for preaching the gospel. They were in prison, and an angel of the Lord got them out, and then they went back the next more and preached some more. Exactly what they got arrested for.

Guys. They got arrested. If anyone at my church heard that I had gotten arrested, how would my reputation look? "Oh My Gosh, Megan's in jail? I thought she was such a good girl..."
Do you not think that what people thought of the apostles?! THEY GOT ARRESTED. Yes, we look at it as noble that they stood so strong to their faith, but their momma's probably weren't all that thrilled, you know?!

Christians keep up so many appearances. It's as if we determine our holiness by how holy we look to other people. (Cooley, Looking Glass Self, I just got out of Sociology so I know this stuff.) 

All my life I've been taught: "Stand up for your faith, but don't go against the grain. Follow all the laws. Don't deviate from social norms. Be a Christian, but fit in."

If you are a Christian, you should have no desire to fit in. That INCLUDES fitting in within the church. Wearing the right clothes. Saying the right things.

Transparency Alert!

I came home to my mother in tears because I wore a pair of shorts to church. She was so embarrassed of me. Her exact words: "Do you know what people must have been saying about you?!"

No, I don't know. And it doesn't matter to me. Because my attire has very very little to do with my walk with the Lord. 

Closed-mindedness is the reason non-believers criticize the church. It runs rampant in almost everyone I know. The fact that you would let The Devil get in your head and have you judge someone merely on their appearance. Just think about that a minute.


I know what you're thinking. Surely she is gonna say some sort of disclaimer, "Of course, don't dress like a slut because Jesus doesn't want you to" or something like that, and I just want to call attention to the fact I am omitting that. These apostles got arrested. Sometimes, you have to break away from the freakin status quo and be a little outrageous to get your message across.

"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24

I love God, not because I am inwardly holy, but we because I was chosen before the formation of the world. Right judgement cannot be seen with the eyes. Every day he is becoming greater and I am becoming less.

Trouble trouble trouble.

Let me tell you something about Never Ever Answer: he sucks.

After all these years the fact that he acts like he doesn't care at all is so pathetic and immature that I can even believe it happens. He has no motivation for life and no achievements to show that he is worth anything at all. He's not. I've tried so hard to make him into what I wanted him to be in my head, but he will never even be close.

This is me publicly saying that he has just become Never EVER answer. Under no circumstances can he ever have one little bit of my attention. If you're dying, please call someone else. I will not play your stupid games for one more day. You are not going to magically be happy if you keep going down this road, and I will not be going with you anymore. I cannot stand you.

I may be the first to ever do this, but I'm walking away from you. I'm being selfish for once and doing what is best for me. I hope I never see you again. Thanks.

Moving forward

I have come to realize that things don't just happen. When I was a kid I used to worry about wether I was going to end up strung out on drugs or pregnant like the girls on Maury. (No really, my bonding time with my grandma was over Maury.)

Lucky for me I made it through high school clean and sober and I have yet to make my debut on Maury.

But now, I just keep excepting things to happen. Like one day I'm gonna wake up married, and pregnant. Or my parents are gonna have passed away and I'm gonna be homeless. Or one day I'm gonna be living in a big city doing a lot of acting/directing.

What I'm trying to realize is: I have to make my dreams come true, and I can't avoid the inevitable. Thus, why I have been so stressed about college. It seems like the obvious stepping stone, and I am about to leap!!!!!!

University of North Carolina at Charlotte: watch out for Meg!

(ps I'm referring to myself in third person a lot too, and I don't think I like it.)

Advice.

This is a small collection of little things that make me happy.

Red fingernails.
Counting down the days until monumental events (72 days til I see Fall Out Boy live)
Broccoli and Cheddar soup from Panera
Organizing my closet
Jelly beans
When things cost $7.47
Listening to show tunes in the car
Watching Jennifer Aniston movies
Wearing bows in my hair
Arriving on time
Setting small reachable goals while working out and achieving them
Going to Asheville with no plans and just hanging out
Hiking
Being in front of large (Ill settle for any size really) crowds of people
Scavenger hunts
Zoos
Bonfires
Big Brother
Shopping
Executing my daily skin care routine
Holidays
Decorating

I could seriously go on and on. These things are important. They give me a reason to smile even when things aren't going all that well in the grand scheme of life. I believe it is extremely unhealthy and ultimately unsatisfying to look to another person for happiness. I never ever ever ever want to have the burden of being responsible for someone's entire happiness. That's intense. That's unrealistic.

If I were in any type of position where I was supposed to give kids younger than myself any advice I would tell them this: Make sure you have a list. You don't have to write it down, but take joy from the little things in your life. That way when someone bad happens those little things can remind you of what being happy feels like, and you'll be glad.

On high expectations.

I always seem to way overshoot things in my head. I have a way of imagining the most extreme of circumstances and making them totally viable. Like, how I'm convinced when Joe Trohman sees me front row at the Fall Out Boy show this Summer there's no way he won't recognize me. I mean I have tagged, tweeted, followed, and wrote to this man endlessly since I was 14. (Remember what I said about how I obsess about stuff)

Not only do I do this with Joe Trohman, but I do it in everyday life. Basically, I set myself up for disappointment. I've done a lot lot lot of this in the past week in anticipation of tomorrow. I'm laying awake right now and I can't stop going through outrageous circumstances that tomorrow is bound NOT to bring.

What I bet it will bring is lots of trampolines, gas money, and me trying to make face. I'm thrilled.

I bought a book.

Which is out of character for me because anyone who knows me knows I love to shop but I'm extremely cheap so I usually just read books online for free. But on this particular day it was rainy, and I was alone. So I went to the book store and spent a whole thirty dollars on two books.

The first book was Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. I bought this one for my mother because she has had terrible anxiety lately and I figured it would help her out. That was easy.

Then I started looking at all the book in the Christian Living section. I expected to me annoyed at the cliche "sexual purity" books and to feel my usual distain for the Christian community as a whole. Instead, I ended up with seven or eight different books in my hands about marriage. I wanted to buy all of them.

Anyone who knows me also knows I am verging on being literally OBSESSED with marriage.

I ended up with The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas (could his name get any more boring?) and I may now be the lamest person alive. I am really liking the book though!

The following is an exert from the book:

"The exception clause I'm referring to is found in Matthew 6:33. Here's how it reads in the New King James Version: 'Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.'
The mysterious version I'm looking for, the one I see so many people following and memorizing goes something like this: 'Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness except when you're cheating someone to marry. In that case, you should follow your emotions, insist on a thrilling romantic attraction and overall relational compatibility that makes relationship fun, and then all these things will be added unto you."

Doesn't that make sense? Yes, you can go on dates. Yes, it's alright to think about finding a husband, but that doesn't mean it's the most important thing. Seeking the kingdom of God is the most important thing! I mean, it's like duh, Megan you already knew that! But it still makes so much more sense after reading it.

So, yeah. I'll let you know how the book turns out.

And another thing.

Something has really resonated with me lately about being "a whole person."
As in like, I have things about me that I do, or I enjoy or I am good at that make me who I am, and I don't need any help doing them.

It's slowly becoming more and more important me to find what these personal pieces are and fit them together into a whole Megan.

There this guy in my class who rides a bike instead of driving a car, he wears the same toboggan every day, and he has rolling pins tattooed on his upper arm. I just feel like he is so original, and I want to be THAT original.

But not in comparison to anyone else. Just by my own person standards. I want I be interesting and insightful. I'm starting to think a lot.

Valentine's Day

Full of fornication, capitalism, and candy. So we're all horny, poor, and fat.

It's not even that I'm super sad because I can't get a date. It's the fact that even when I'm married I don't think I'll enjoy this day. And I am a holiday FOOL.

Valentines day is depressing. That's all there is to it. And it makes single people feel bad and people in relationships feel cocky.

I get that your boyfriend gave you flowers. If you didn't post it on Instagram, I would still just assume he did. I don't care about your teddy bears. If the only security you have in your relationship is putting it all over the Internet then your relationship sucks and you suck and your boyfriend probably cheats on you so there.

Life.

Right now, life is full of PROtonix, tramadol, and hemocyte. A 87 year old dad that refused to chew with his mouth closed, and a 79 year old mother who seems to dwindle away every day.

It is so easy for me to doubt God. Why can't I just go to college like all my friends? What's up with a minimum wage job and a community college where 3/10 students have unbearable body odor?

God never gives us more than we can handle. Count it all joy when trials come your way. Joy comes in the morning. If God is for me, who can be against me?

Somewhere along the way I had to stop singing the words and raising my hands and actually start living the words and lay down my pride.

All I know is, God has a plan for all of this. Even when my mother doesn't know who I am, I have to praise god. Even when I spend 15 minutes trying to figure out how to get my dad off the floor, he is making all things work together for his good.

Going from head faith to hand faith is painful. It's sucks. God loves me, my family, and He hasn't turned his head.


...right?

Abundance of flaws.

There are many problems with me.

When I like things, I don't just like things. I love things. If I get into a television show I have to watch every episode of every season and learn facts about each of the cast members. (Ask me David Schwimmers' middle name)

When someone doesn't like me it gets to me. It's upsets me to no end. I try so hard to be likable. I get that you date my ex, but why do you hate me? Obviously we're kinda alike. We have the same taste here.

I love God so much. I have no earthly idea how to show it. I think about him every moment, but how do I talk to my friends about him? He is the greatest father, forgiver, and healer any of us could imagine.

I want to act for the rest of my life. Is is unrealistic? Yes. Will I try? Totally. And the worst part is, I know I'm not the best at it. I know I'm not pretty/thin/wild enough to really thrive but I'm gonna try. I've gotta try.

I cycle my relationships. I have been interested in the same 4 boys since I was in 7th grade with very little variance. I try to reach out. I hang out with new guys, but when I'm in my car singing fall out boy, there's no way I'm thinking about any of those new boys.

I am uninterested in exploring the depths of my mind. I am so happy with my ignorance. I am so content not watching adult movies, not having adult conversations, and listening to the same albums over and over again.

Talking to strangers is so easy. Skin deep friendships are so easy. Love, even in the simplest form, is so hard to come by. The only person I truly love is slowly loosing her mind, and then she won't know who I am. What will I do then?

There are so many things wrong with me. I talk way too loud. I am a terrible driver. I'm way too interested in other people's lives. I'm far too selfish. I will never be able to please The Lord. But I just gotta keep trying. Maybe this will help.