College

So get ready for a super shallow and much needed check in.

My legs just hurt. I walk so far and I am so slow and it really ruins my whole day. I get these terrible cramps in my calves and it is just terrible.

I am so sad to say my level of cleanliness has diminished, and I swore it wouldn't! It's so hard to be organized when I have so much stuff in such a small space. 

My hair is red. Unmistakably, almost Hayley from Paramore red. I was referred to as a red head twice today. 

I feel like I'm not involved in very much but I'm always busy. I guess cause theatre stuff takes up so much time but I'm good with it. It's fantastic to be acting again, even if its minimal compared to what others are doing. I knew I missed it, but I didn't realize just how much until I started my audition last week. I go through these spells when I'm totally unsure about it all and then someone hands me a script and I feel natural again, so it's getting better.

They did ask me to stage manage something and I said no. Even though its a bad first impression, screwing up a show because I suck at stage managing and making everyone else's lives harder is worse. Universal shout out to all SMs and ASMs because you are better than me times one million. 

I'm so stupid for thinking I would be able to save my money up, cause I totally can't. I suck. 

More than a physician

I went to the doctor with my mother the other day. We have a PA that we always go to, and have for years so we know each other pretty well. We're even on a first name basis, he's Ron. 

After the obligatory small talk, he asked me if I have very many friends. I was super confused as to what he meant, but I reluctantly responded that I did. 

He then asked if I felt like a lot of people understood me, and I was confident that very few do.

The advice he gave me was this: You're not everyone's type Megan. When you go to school, don't expect to fall in easily with everyone. You're different, and it's a good thing. I'm the same way. Just don't let yourself feel let down when you feel like no one understands you. It might just be that no one understands you. That's great, because when you find someone that does you'll know it, and you won't worry about how you're gonna let them in. They'll already be there.

Lately, I feel like no one understands me.

Random thoughts and bad transitions

I long for a life full of comfortable feelings. The kind of nights where it's comfortable with the windows down. You're going five miles under the speed limit. You aren't thinking about things, but about life.

Growing up. Growing into my own skin. It's all so stressful, but it shouldn't be.

Every single day I have to trust in God. Trust that he is making all things work together for my good. That he would never give me more than I can handle. That he hold my future in his hands.

The truth of it all is: I am the hair in your bathroom sink. I am the stubborn stain on your dinner plate. I am the jelly at the bottom edges of the jar (preferably strawberry.)

I will never be impressive. I can't impress you, or even come close to meeting your expectation. No amount of make up, work outs, calories counted, or trendy clothes will make me look the way I want to look.

I can only be Megan. I fully depend on God for everything. He is becoming greater and greater and I am becoming less and less.

Fully transparent: I can only sing like Adele in the car and the shower. I require affection to be happy. I lie. I care what people think of me. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. I worry I will never fall in love. 

It's impossible for me to make it on my own. That's why I've stopped trying, and it's a great decision.

A God Complex

It blows me away how people truly believe the rest of us on earth were put here slowly to do things for them and make their lives easier.

You know what? I don't do that. I don't boss people around and act like I'm too good to do anything for myself and I deserve the recognition that you should wait on me. That's insane. Why would you want to be that person? 

I, obviously, don't let these types of people take advantage of me, because I'm not passive, but I do know people who fall victim to this arrogance DAILY. It makes me sick and there are people who think they deserve everything handed to them with no work at all. 

Call me arrogant I guess, but I wish everyone had my mentality. 

Yes. I will help you with whatever you need, but not because you've commanded me to, or because I owe it to you, but because I want you to prosper and be happy. 

Why in the world does everyone have to put their own selfish agendas above those who are around them. Who cares what you have to do, as long as it works out for me, everything is fine.

Kindness is way too hard to come by these days.

Since I'm a girl,

I feel like I should be better at expressing my feelings than I am. I find myself saying, "You know?" a lot. Which is find when I'm talking to my sister who can basically finish my sentences, but when you're trying to get to know someone you can't really leave off half your thought because you just don't know how to express yourself.

I just have no idea what I am feeling. I can finally sympathize with men who honestly just don't want to talk about their feelings. Like, what are feelings? What am I even looking for in someone? What do I even like and dislike?

I also find myself doing all the things I think are so stupid when other people do them. Like, why does this make me so angry? It doesn't even matter! If some other girl was mad about this I'd call her crazy.

My friend Jordan used to always tell me I was the craziest girl he'd ever met, but I always considered myself very level headed. 

So I'm like contradicting the things I've taken the lost pride in in the past. Part of me knows that it would be much easier to just quit now and not have to worry about this stupid relationship drama crap garbage, but then I might I remember how stupid I've been in past for the same reasons.

So I am, once again, asking myself: "Is this one gonna be different?" And I'm stupid enough to believe it might be.

Here's my problem.

No one is ever good enough.

Christianity.

^{Acts 5: 17-21 reads like this:} 

¹⁷ But the high priest rose up, and all who were with him (that is, the party of the Sadducees), and filled with jealousy ¹⁸ they arrested the apostles and put them in the public prison. ¹⁹ But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the prison doors and brought them out, and said, ²⁰ “Go and stand in the temple and speak to the people all the words of this Life.” ²¹ And when they heard this, they entered the temple at daybreak and began to teach.

So, let me reiterate. The apostles were arrested for preaching the gospel. They were in prison, and an angel of the Lord got them out, and then they went back the next more and preached some more. Exactly what they got arrested for.

Guys. They got arrested. If anyone at my church heard that I had gotten arrested, how would my reputation look? "Oh My Gosh, Megan's in jail? I thought she was such a good girl..."
Do you not think that what people thought of the apostles?! THEY GOT ARRESTED. Yes, we look at it as noble that they stood so strong to their faith, but their momma's probably weren't all that thrilled, you know?!

Christians keep up so many appearances. It's as if we determine our holiness by how holy we look to other people. (Cooley, Looking Glass Self, I just got out of Sociology so I know this stuff.) 

All my life I've been taught: "Stand up for your faith, but don't go against the grain. Follow all the laws. Don't deviate from social norms. Be a Christian, but fit in."

If you are a Christian, you should have no desire to fit in. That INCLUDES fitting in within the church. Wearing the right clothes. Saying the right things.

Transparency Alert!

I came home to my mother in tears because I wore a pair of shorts to church. She was so embarrassed of me. Her exact words: "Do you know what people must have been saying about you?!"

No, I don't know. And it doesn't matter to me. Because my attire has very very little to do with my walk with the Lord. 

Closed-mindedness is the reason non-believers criticize the church. It runs rampant in almost everyone I know. The fact that you would let The Devil get in your head and have you judge someone merely on their appearance. Just think about that a minute.


I know what you're thinking. Surely she is gonna say some sort of disclaimer, "Of course, don't dress like a slut because Jesus doesn't want you to" or something like that, and I just want to call attention to the fact I am omitting that. These apostles got arrested. Sometimes, you have to break away from the freakin status quo and be a little outrageous to get your message across.

"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24

I love God, not because I am inwardly holy, but we because I was chosen before the formation of the world. Right judgement cannot be seen with the eyes. Every day he is becoming greater and I am becoming less.