Since I'm a girl,

I feel like I should be better at expressing my feelings than I am. I find myself saying, "You know?" a lot. Which is find when I'm talking to my sister who can basically finish my sentences, but when you're trying to get to know someone you can't really leave off half your thought because you just don't know how to express yourself.

I just have no idea what I am feeling. I can finally sympathize with men who honestly just don't want to talk about their feelings. Like, what are feelings? What am I even looking for in someone? What do I even like and dislike?

I also find myself doing all the things I think are so stupid when other people do them. Like, why does this make me so angry? It doesn't even matter! If some other girl was mad about this I'd call her crazy.

My friend Jordan used to always tell me I was the craziest girl he'd ever met, but I always considered myself very level headed. 

So I'm like contradicting the things I've taken the lost pride in in the past. Part of me knows that it would be much easier to just quit now and not have to worry about this stupid relationship drama crap garbage, but then I might I remember how stupid I've been in past for the same reasons.

So I am, once again, asking myself: "Is this one gonna be different?" And I'm stupid enough to believe it might be.

Here's my problem.

No one is ever good enough.

Christianity.

^{Acts 5: 17-21 reads like this:} 

¹⁷ But the high priest rose up, and all who were with him (that is, the party of the Sadducees), and filled with jealousy ¹⁸ they arrested the apostles and put them in the public prison. ¹⁹ But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the prison doors and brought them out, and said, ²⁰ “Go and stand in the temple and speak to the people all the words of this Life.” ²¹ And when they heard this, they entered the temple at daybreak and began to teach.

So, let me reiterate. The apostles were arrested for preaching the gospel. They were in prison, and an angel of the Lord got them out, and then they went back the next more and preached some more. Exactly what they got arrested for.

Guys. They got arrested. If anyone at my church heard that I had gotten arrested, how would my reputation look? "Oh My Gosh, Megan's in jail? I thought she was such a good girl..."
Do you not think that what people thought of the apostles?! THEY GOT ARRESTED. Yes, we look at it as noble that they stood so strong to their faith, but their momma's probably weren't all that thrilled, you know?!

Christians keep up so many appearances. It's as if we determine our holiness by how holy we look to other people. (Cooley, Looking Glass Self, I just got out of Sociology so I know this stuff.) 

All my life I've been taught: "Stand up for your faith, but don't go against the grain. Follow all the laws. Don't deviate from social norms. Be a Christian, but fit in."

If you are a Christian, you should have no desire to fit in. That INCLUDES fitting in within the church. Wearing the right clothes. Saying the right things.

Transparency Alert!

I came home to my mother in tears because I wore a pair of shorts to church. She was so embarrassed of me. Her exact words: "Do you know what people must have been saying about you?!"

No, I don't know. And it doesn't matter to me. Because my attire has very very little to do with my walk with the Lord. 

Closed-mindedness is the reason non-believers criticize the church. It runs rampant in almost everyone I know. The fact that you would let The Devil get in your head and have you judge someone merely on their appearance. Just think about that a minute.


I know what you're thinking. Surely she is gonna say some sort of disclaimer, "Of course, don't dress like a slut because Jesus doesn't want you to" or something like that, and I just want to call attention to the fact I am omitting that. These apostles got arrested. Sometimes, you have to break away from the freakin status quo and be a little outrageous to get your message across.

"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24

I love God, not because I am inwardly holy, but we because I was chosen before the formation of the world. Right judgement cannot be seen with the eyes. Every day he is becoming greater and I am becoming less.

Trouble trouble trouble.

Let me tell you something about Never Ever Answer: he sucks.

After all these years the fact that he acts like he doesn't care at all is so pathetic and immature that I can even believe it happens. He has no motivation for life and no achievements to show that he is worth anything at all. He's not. I've tried so hard to make him into what I wanted him to be in my head, but he will never even be close.

This is me publicly saying that he has just become Never EVER answer. Under no circumstances can he ever have one little bit of my attention. If you're dying, please call someone else. I will not play your stupid games for one more day. You are not going to magically be happy if you keep going down this road, and I will not be going with you anymore. I cannot stand you.

I may be the first to ever do this, but I'm walking away from you. I'm being selfish for once and doing what is best for me. I hope I never see you again. Thanks.

Moving forward

I have come to realize that things don't just happen. When I was a kid I used to worry about wether I was going to end up strung out on drugs or pregnant like the girls on Maury. (No really, my bonding time with my grandma was over Maury.)

Lucky for me I made it through high school clean and sober and I have yet to make my debut on Maury.

But now, I just keep excepting things to happen. Like one day I'm gonna wake up married, and pregnant. Or my parents are gonna have passed away and I'm gonna be homeless. Or one day I'm gonna be living in a big city doing a lot of acting/directing.

What I'm trying to realize is: I have to make my dreams come true, and I can't avoid the inevitable. Thus, why I have been so stressed about college. It seems like the obvious stepping stone, and I am about to leap!!!!!!

University of North Carolina at Charlotte: watch out for Meg!

(ps I'm referring to myself in third person a lot too, and I don't think I like it.)

Advice.

This is a small collection of little things that make me happy.

Red fingernails.
Counting down the days until monumental events (72 days til I see Fall Out Boy live)
Broccoli and Cheddar soup from Panera
Organizing my closet
Jelly beans
When things cost $7.47
Listening to show tunes in the car
Watching Jennifer Aniston movies
Wearing bows in my hair
Arriving on time
Setting small reachable goals while working out and achieving them
Going to Asheville with no plans and just hanging out
Hiking
Being in front of large (Ill settle for any size really) crowds of people
Scavenger hunts
Zoos
Bonfires
Big Brother
Shopping
Executing my daily skin care routine
Holidays
Decorating

I could seriously go on and on. These things are important. They give me a reason to smile even when things aren't going all that well in the grand scheme of life. I believe it is extremely unhealthy and ultimately unsatisfying to look to another person for happiness. I never ever ever ever want to have the burden of being responsible for someone's entire happiness. That's intense. That's unrealistic.

If I were in any type of position where I was supposed to give kids younger than myself any advice I would tell them this: Make sure you have a list. You don't have to write it down, but take joy from the little things in your life. That way when someone bad happens those little things can remind you of what being happy feels like, and you'll be glad.

On high expectations.

I always seem to way overshoot things in my head. I have a way of imagining the most extreme of circumstances and making them totally viable. Like, how I'm convinced when Joe Trohman sees me front row at the Fall Out Boy show this Summer there's no way he won't recognize me. I mean I have tagged, tweeted, followed, and wrote to this man endlessly since I was 14. (Remember what I said about how I obsess about stuff)

Not only do I do this with Joe Trohman, but I do it in everyday life. Basically, I set myself up for disappointment. I've done a lot lot lot of this in the past week in anticipation of tomorrow. I'm laying awake right now and I can't stop going through outrageous circumstances that tomorrow is bound NOT to bring.

What I bet it will bring is lots of trampolines, gas money, and me trying to make face. I'm thrilled.